The pointless ramblings and obscure humor of an over-worked, off-beat, performer-writer-teacher.
By messing with my profile, I've now unknowing become a citizen of Albania and been put on some watch-list somewhere.
HEY!! How the hell did I get to be 103 years old?
In my life
****11****
...uncreative...
ChesterGlasses
Don't Panic. . .
the pelican
things that make me happy
What Ever Happened To My Lunchbox
Writing it down
today
March 2006
February 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
July 2005
June 2005
April 2005
March 2005
January 2005
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
visited *loading* times
going through the express lane late at night at Wal-Mart. Customer number one was buying wine coolers. The guy in front of me had a bottle of vodka. I had Monostat 7. And the woman behind me had a box of Tojans and a bottle of Summer's Eve. In a way it seemed like we were in some sort of Zen order. Either that or a twisted version of, "Three of these things belong together . . . which one's different, do you know?" Or if it was a sequence, customer number five must have had cigarettes and penicilin.
Did you ever wonder why Santa's reindeer have claws?
I have my five-year old convinced that Santa's reindeer like chocolate bett than oranges and apples.
I don't remember if I've ever published this or not, but I recently found it again and it made me laugh. It's the beginning to a story I'll never finish.
Pequod was the smallest and least influential ship in the fleet, a small-time dignitary transport, built especially to transport the smallest of dignitaries of which there were many in the Federation of Allied Planets, Republics, Empires, and Monarchies – or FAPREAM as it was more commonly known. The Federation had previously been known as FOAPREAM prior to the acceptance of the planet Goomba into the Federation, but soon after it was discovered that Foapream was a vulgarity in the Goomba language. The term referred to an association of a vulgar nature among two consenting adults and a farm animal known as a gorfling – something that appeared to be a genetic manipulation of a Terran cow spliced with the DNA of a duck.
It had never been clear if the two consenting adult were of the same or different gender. It was unknown whether multiple genders existed on the planet at all. Not even the Goombainians seemed to know except during solar eclipses during certain times of the years. This was usually a busy time for Goombainians.
After eleven galaxian years, three attached riders, an amendment guaranteeing a grant providing intra-galaxy transportation fee wavers to unwed human mothers with no children, and a vote of thirty-seven to three, the bill changing the acronym to FAPREAM was approved by the senate and sent on to the council of delegates to await the next general election in order to be nominated to receive an approval vote. Surprisingly one of the three dissenting votes came from the senator from Goomba her/himself.
In the end the FAPREAM gained little from the inclusion of Goomba: a new acronym, a handful of new vulgarities, and an additional verse to “Old McDonald” – “. . . with a ‘moack’ here and a ‘moack’ there. . .” And fapream, it turned out, was also a Goobainian word meaning, “my brother’s nephew is my second cousin’s uncle’s grandfather,” – actually quite a common Goobainian term.
Tung was the first individual from Goomba to serve aboard a FAPREAM starship. His duties consisted mainly of washing and polishing the Pequod’s food delivery receptacles – also known as the metal trays in the cafeteria. Because he hadn’t attended Star Ward Tech he wasn’t an officer and was relegated to such menial tasks. An officer would have been able to do something such as maintaining the food recalibration systems – more commonly referred to as cleaning the crapper.
I first encountered Tung during my first tour aboard the Pequod . I had just graduated from Star Ward Tech, and after four years of random courses in a meaningless educational environment with no obvious purpose, I was a full fledged space cadet. As such a low-ranking officer, but an officer nonetheless, I was assigned to a low-level command postion – second assistant to the subordinate to the minor secondary communication officer’s chief subsidiary associate – polishing the porcelain in the subsidiary officer’s lavatory.
