The pointless ramblings and obscure humor of an over-worked, off-beat, performer-writer-teacher.

 

Have you ever noticed on “Jeopardy”  that when the contestants state their answers in a form of a question they always say, “Who is. . .” or “What is. . .”?  Why don’t they ever say, “Could the answer be. . .” or something like that.  Just because the answer has to be in the form of a question, doesn’t mean it has to be the same question form.  If you simply stated the answer but ended your statement with an upward inflection so it sounded like a question, would it still count?  For once I would like to see someone say, “Is the answer. . . , or are you just stupid Alex?”  That would be a question.  Would it piss Alex off?  But he couldn’t do anything about it, because the answer was in the form of a question.  And how can a question be an answer anyway?  And can you really state a question?  Does it seem ironic that a game show for brainiacs has contradictions? I mean I’m stupid enough that I’d be one of those people who didn’t make it to final Jeopardy, and yet I know that you ask a question and not state a question.  What about people on other game shows where they have to answer questions, isn’t it annoying when they answer in the form of a question?  Supermarket Sweeps isn’t Jeopardy.  Hell, it isn’t even as intelligent as Wheel of Fortune.  Do you think Wheel of Fortune is on after Jeopardy so we can all feel smart after being made to feel stupid.  I think I’m dumber than most contestants on Jeopardy, but I know I’m smarter than anyone on Wheel of Fortune.  Especially Vanna.  How hard is her job?  The hardest part of her job is probably keeping her boobs that high for how old she is.  Of course her face has been pulled so tight, I’m sure it just pulls those boobs right up.    

posted by: WebPulp at 19:55 | link | comments |

Whoa, just hit the big triple digit.  Ok, half the hits are probably just me, but someone else must be reading this blog too.  Now I feel obligated to write something interesting.  I've already told two of my three favorite stupid jokes, but I'm saving the third until I'm really desparate.

posted by: WebPulp at 00:06 | link | comments (1) |

So a rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar.  The bartender turns to the bear at the end of the bars and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

posted by: WebPulp at 11:13 | link | comments |

So I spent the weekend moving "That's Not My Dog" to MoTime.  I actually like the functionality here better ('cept I can't find the spell check - - and I need it). 

It wan't actually the whole weekend.  I spent most of Friday and Saturday at an AP conference.  (That's "Advanced Placement" for non-educators) AP deals with high-school courses designed to prepare students for college and the AP exam (to test out of  lower level college courses).  It was a good conference.  Sometimes I need things like this to make me remember why I'm an educator.

I don't really have much of anything to say -- just wanted to ramble a bit.  I'll probably update the Books of Elven and maybe write another adventure of Kimmy.  What I should do is catch up on The Fall from Apotheosis. The story blog that belongs to my brother.  Read it if you haven't! it's good.

posted by: WebPulp at 11:11 | link | comments |

The Further Adventures of Kimmy

 Note: the fictional Kimmy should in no way be confused with the real Kimmy, who is probably a very nice, if confused person – not to say she’s confused, just confused with the fictional Kimmy. But any adult who starts a help post with “Hi there” and refers to herself as “Kimmy,” is open to confusion.

 

 So Kimmy had to take a cross-country flight. Having never before flown nor left the comfort of her dreary help-desk career, she was understandably nervous. Her doctor, knowing how nervous Kimmy can become, prescribed a small dose of valium for the flight. She popped the pill shortly before arriving at the security gate, and was feeling fine by the time she had to be “wanded” at the security gate for the thirteen cents she’d absent-mindedly left in her pocket. Finally, after boarding her flight and settling down in her seat (by the window of course) she was ready for a pleasant nap to wile away time of her journey. No sooner had she settled down, however, (firmly securing her “Breathe-Rite” strip so as not to disturb the other passengers) she, herself, was bothered by the arrival of her seatmate, Bill the lawyer.

 

Now Bill, noticing Kimmy’s lack of hair pigmentation, decided that perhaps his trip could be profitable. “Would you like to play a game?” he inquired. Of course Kimmy was pretty sure what kind of game he had in mind, and wanted to spend the flight getting forty winks not tiddly winks. But Bill assured her that he was hunting for a different game, quietly laughing at his own feeble attempt at a pun. Still, Kimmy insisted on wanting to rest.

 

“It’s a simple game,” he told her, “a game of riddles. I’ll ask you a riddle and if you can’t answer it, you give me five dollars. Then you ask me a riddle; if I can’t answer it, I’ll give you five dollars.”

 

It was simple enough for even Kimmy to understand, and she said so. “I really wanted to rest,” she insisted.

 

Bill, like any lawyer, wasn’t willing to let a potential mark go that easily. In his arrogance he thought, “Surely I can walk away from this with a large profit for little work.” “Look,” he told her, “I’ll make it worth your while. You pay me five dollars if you can’t answer, but I’ll pay you fifty if I can’t answer.”

 

Kimmy knew when she was licked, even if it was by a lawyer, and finally agreed just to shut him up (much like her experiences in high school). So Bill, pleased with his own cleverness, asked, “What goes down a chimney up, but won’t go up a chimney down?”

 

Kimmy didn’t quite understand the question; although, she was sure she had participated in such an activity during her short foray into college life, or at least at a frat party. After a long pause, not to think but to fondly remember the party, she replied, “I don’t know,” and handed bill five dollars.

 

Bill grinned with an arrogant air of conquest, “An umbrella,” he answered. Kimmy didn’t remember an umbrella at the party, but wasn’t going to argue with him. “Now it’s your turn,” he announced.

 

“OK,” she began, deep in thought (well, not too deep). “What is red in the morning, black at night, goes up hill and four legs, and down on three?” Now it was Bill’s turn to remember a frat party, but that wasn’t the answer.

 

Bill thought for a long while, finally got out his laptop, did a Google, a Dogpile, a Yahoo, and even an Excite (although the Excite didn’t do as much for him as it once had). He emailed all his friends and logged on to the “Riddle-a-Day” site. Finally he relented and handed Kimmy a fifty dollar bill. Kimmy accepted the bill, rolled over, and fell asleep. Bill was reminded of law school. After ten minutes Bill could no longer stand it; she had tantalized him with her riddle, but hadn’t delivered the answer. He impatiently poked her.

 

“What is red in the morning, black at night, goes up hill and four legs, and down on three?” he demanded.

 

“I don’t know,” Kimmy said, gave him a five dollar bill, and went back to sleep.

 

The moral of the story: Even Kimmy can accidentally outwit a lawyer.

 

posted by: WebPulp at 11:13 | link | comments |

Past Postings From a Previous Page

Originally posted on Sunday, February 15, 2004

Sometimes I think technology is a bigger pain than it’s worth. Take for instance that post that you’ve spent the last hour typing and lost your connection before it was posted. I’ve always wanted a place of my own to ramble on senselessly and not be afraid of censorship or rubber wallpaper, so here I am blogging, whatever the hell that’s suppose to mean. I’m sure by now someone who has found this page (presumably by accident) is thinking, “What does this have to do with dogs?” Nothing. The title is, “That’s Not My Dog.” But if you feel you need some sort of explanation, I spend all week teaching English, Communication Arts, and Drama to teenagers. For some of you, that’s explanation enough. John Byrne (do a “yahoo” search) had a letter column in Next Men called, “. . . A Flame About This High.” It was the punchline to an obscure joke that appropriately fit the column. I figured if I ever had to opportunity to have my own forum for rambling senselessly, it should have an equally appropriate title. If you’re still confused, listen very carefully to people around you. One day you’ll walk into a room just as someone announces, “No soap, radio,” and the room burst into laughter. Just ask them what it means. Or watch “Black and White Overnight” on the gameshow network. If your lucky, Bennet Cerf may show up on “What’s My Line,” and everything will become clear. Until then, remember, as the queen of England once said, “That’s not my dog.” In the meantime, I’m going to get some Persian peach pie.

- posted by john @ 1:29 PM

 

Originally posted on Monday, February 16, 2004

So I decided I needed to do the obligitory "Who I am" post. I'm a high school English, Communication Arts, Drama - underpaid and overworked like every other teacher in the country. Writing is what I do for "fun." Fun is a very relative term for this over-the-hill parent of a toddler and infant. Fun is what my wife and I use to have before we had kids. Not that kids aren't fun. (Now I'm sounding like a bad Seinfeld moment.) I'm somewhat of a nightowl - a difficult thing to be when you have to be up early to go to work. Toddlers and infants can turn anyone into a nightowl - once they go to bed, you can actually get something done. Luckily there are things called days off. So even though it's really tomorrow instead of tonight, I don't have to get up tomorrow - that is until the three year-old decides it's time for "Playhouse Disney." At least It's not too difficult to sleep through "Rollie Pollie Ollie." I realize by now some of you are completely lost and have no idea what I'm talking about.

So, let's get back to a "Who I am." Even though I'm a high school teacher, that's not all I am. I think of myself as a teacher no matter what I do. I'm a playwright and poet. I think my poetry stinks most of the time, but occasionally I've had some good enough to be published. My plays, on the other hand, tend to be experimental and a little strange. I produce most of them myself.

My pipe dream is myself as a science fiction / fantasy writer. Some people hate to see those two terms together - purists who think the two shouldn't be mixed. But the likes of Jack Kirby, George Lucas, Wendy Pini, Anne McCafrey, et. al., have proved that the two blend nicely. Kirby and Lucas have both written epic works of fantasy, disguised a science fiction, while Pini and McCafrey write science fiction that at a causual glance seems to be fantasy. It's this style that I strive for.

I've been working on writing a "book" for nearly twenty years now. (It's only one of many writing projects I'm always working on) The actual writing hasn't been that long, but the genisis of the story started then. It's not that much of a book. Right now it's more of a serialized (pulp, if you will) story; although, I'd like to see it in book form eventually. I know where it starts; I know where it's going; I even have a sense of where it will end up. I just don't know how long it will be when it's finished. It's even not really a single story. It's three interlaced stories that take place in three different time periods involving related characters and incidents. One of these days it will be finished, but for now, I've decided to share it in a blog. So check out The Books of Elven (my other blog) and leave some comments. You should be able to follow the three separate threads by looking at the heading of each post, or you can just read them as they are posted and see how the three (hopefully) blend.

While your in neighborhood, check out some of the other blog links there "Brother Blog" is where you can find the works of my brother, whoes writing style is different than mine, but shares a similar ambition. He's a linguist and is often my source for liguistical needs.

In addition to the mentioned subjects I teach, I also have degrees theatre and special education ( a strange combination, I know) and training in American Sign Language and teaching English as a second language. (Now you know why my student loans are so high). All of these things largely influence my writing. My off-beat sense of humor influences my rambling.

So, stop back often to see what I'm ramling about.

"Y'all come back now, hear."

- posted by john @ 1:53 AM

 

Thursday, February 19, 2004

I work for one of the few high schools in the nation (I’m sure) where welding in a class in the fine arts department and not in the vocational department. A lot of things that happen in the school district where I work don’t make much sense. Like for instance, offering minimal (and I mean minimal) increases in salaries as incentive to get advance degrees and certifications. I get a whole extra five-hundred dollars a year because I’m certified to teach students who are English as a second language learners. I get nothing for being dual certified as secondary education and special education, but I do get about a 5% higher salary for an MA. Here’s a story problem, how much is 5% of a salary that puts most teachers barely above the poverty level. At this rate, I should be able to pay off my student loans a few years after I die. Don’t get me wrong, I make enough to live, and I love my profession, but too many teachers get paid and treated like civil servants instead of degreed professionals.

All over the country you hear politicians talking about “improving schools/education” and lies like “no child left behind.” (I can teach a monkey to pass a standardized test, given enough time.) Most politicians (and school administrators for that matter) have no classroom experience or knowledge. And I doubt many of those same politicians would ever take the time to really learn to be educators because the financial pay-off is too low.

It seems like when innovators with real ideas come along, they are usually shot down by the analysts who get hired to run education like businesses. People are not products. A neighboring school district is attempting to cut off funds to charter schools, mainly because charter schools are producing better learners than the regular public schools but can’t always produce the meaningless statistics the analysts want. They can’t seem to understand things that can’t be quantified and plugged into a statistical analysis.

It makes sense that the welding class is part of the fine arts department. The teacher is a sculptor and teaches the kids welding my teaching them his craft. They are making actual products instead of welding pieces of metal together that serve no purpose other than providing a grade. They are making art, learning two skills at once in a unique way. I wonder how long we’ll be able to keep it that way.

- posted by john @ 11:30 PM

 

Originally posted on Friday, February 20, 2004

Today's Topic: What's My Problem

It's a question I'm often asked. At the risk of pissing off someone, here's my problem (sent to B** yesterday):

When I try to post, I get kicked back to the home page . . . [or] to a "cannot find page" page, and my blogs don't get posted. About 90% of the time it does this, and I can occasionally get a blog posted and published. I've tried both the "post" and "post and publish" button. The "post" button usually kicks me to the homepage; whereas, the "post and publish" kicks me to a "can't find page."

I sent this to B**'s help desk and got this reply today:

Hi there,

If you're having trouble logging in to B** you may need to check your

browser settings. Please see our Knowledge Base article on this for more

information:

Sincerely,

Kimmy

Good answer, for a problem that isn't mine. So, my problem is: The post interface isn't consistently working for me. B**'s problem seems to be: Kimmy can't read.

- posted by john @ 5:01 PM

(the original post has been edited to spare the tender feelings of the B** provider)

posted by: WebPulp at 10:57 | link | comments |

I've only been blogging for about a week now, but I decided I needed a better provider.  The interface here for posting seems to work much better.  I'll post some of my old blogs and then continue with the new.

posted by: WebPulp at 12:05 | link | comments |