The pointless ramblings and obscure humor of an over-worked, off-beat, performer-writer-teacher.

 

McRibbed

posted by: WebPulp at 09:31 | link | comments (1) |

A Tale too Silly to Finish

I don't remember if I've ever published this or not, but I recently found it again and it made me laugh.  It's the beginning to a story I'll never finish.

Pequod was the smallest and least influential ship in the fleet, a small-time dignitary transport, built especially to transport the smallest of dignitaries of which there were many in the Federation of Allied Planets, Republics, Empires, and Monarchies – or FAPREAM as it was more commonly known. The Federation had previously been known as FOAPREAM prior to the acceptance of the planet Goomba into the Federation, but soon after it was discovered that Foapream was a vulgarity in the Goomba language. The term referred to an association of a vulgar nature among two consenting adults and a farm animal known as a gorfling – something that appeared to be a genetic manipulation of a Terran cow spliced with the DNA of a duck.

It had never been clear if the two consenting adult were of the same or different gender. It was unknown whether multiple genders existed on the planet at all. Not even the Goombainians seemed to know except during solar eclipses during certain times of the years. This was usually a busy time for Goombainians.

After eleven galaxian years, three attached riders, an amendment guaranteeing a grant providing intra-galaxy transportation fee wavers to unwed human mothers with no children, and a vote of thirty-seven to three, the bill changing the acronym to FAPREAM was approved by the senate and sent on to the council of delegates to await the next general election in order to be nominated to receive an approval vote. Surprisingly one of the three dissenting votes came from the senator from Goomba her/himself.

In the end the FAPREAM gained little from the inclusion of Goomba: a new acronym, a handful of new vulgarities, and an additional verse to “Old McDonald” – “. . . with a ‘moack’ here and a ‘moack’ there. . .” And fapream, it turned out, was also a Goobainian word meaning, “my brother’s nephew is my second cousin’s uncle’s grandfather,” – actually quite a common Goobainian term.

Tung was the first individual from Goomba to serve aboard a FAPREAM starship. His duties consisted mainly of washing and polishing the Pequod’s food delivery receptacles – also known as the metal trays in the cafeteria. Because he hadn’t attended Star Ward Tech he wasn’t an officer and was relegated to such menial tasks. An officer would have been able to do something such as maintaining the food recalibration systems – more commonly referred to as cleaning the crapper.

I first encountered Tung during my first tour aboard the Pequod . I had just graduated from Star Ward Tech, and after four years of random courses in a meaningless educational environment with no obvious purpose, I was a full fledged space cadet. As such a low-ranking officer, but an officer nonetheless, I was assigned to a low-level command postion – second assistant to the subordinate to the minor secondary communication officer’s chief subsidiary associate – polishing the porcelain in the subsidiary officer’s lavatory.

 

posted by: WebPulp at 20:02 | link | comments (2) |

With Appologies to Mr. Foxworthy, But Not Ms. White

If your retirement financial plans include an appearance on Wheel of Fortune . . .

 You might be a redneck.

posted by: WebPulp at 19:25 | link | comments |

Some people have too much time on their hands.  (Click on the image to see a larger version.)

posted by: WebPulp at 23:13 | link | comments |